CATS (2019)

    It is no secret that I do not care for Andrew Lloyd Webber's musical Cats (based on Old Possum's Book of Practical Cats, by T.S. Elliot). In fact, when I was in middle school and high school, I despised it with a passion to the point that it became a joke among my friends. However, I have a secret. When I attempted to watch the filmed version of the show, I grew so bored and tired of the show that I turned it off during the song, "Gus: The Theatre Cat." Since that time, I have not revisited the show, other than the occasional listen to a song or two from the Original London Cast Recording (never the full thing) or when one of the songs would come on as a part of the Andrew Lloyd Webber compilation album that I own. When the trailer was released for the Tom Hooper-directed film adaptation of the musical, I was THRILLED. It looked so awful to the point where I thought I may enjoy it. I thought it would become my most guilty of guilty pleasures. I planned on attending the film the weekend in came out, but after those reviews and seeing more advertisements, more of the horrifying CGI cats, and remembering how much I don't like Cats, I was scared and decided that I didn't want to spend the money on this movie. However, upon seeing that the film is already available at the dollar movie theatre, my morbid curiosity got the better of me. So, I gathered some friends and we went to go see the glorious, boring disaster that is the film version of Andrew Lloyd Webber's Cats.

     To be completely frank, Cats is far and away the worst movie I have ever seen. I am struggling to think of a worse film that I have seen. I would even take The Emoji Movie over having to see Cats again. The editing was completely shoddy, the design of the sets and the cats was bizarre, and I hate to say it, but not a single member of the all-star cast had what it took to save this movie. I don't even know where to begin with this film. The film was ludicrous, but more than anything, it was boring. It was very, very bad, but it wasn't even the type of bad that me or my friends hoped it would be. I was hoping it would be an absolute camp-fest and that I would have the time of my life laughing at how bad it was, to the point that I would watch it regularly. Alas, this was not the case.

Francesca Hayward (Victoria, center), Laurie Davidson (Mr. Mistofollees, right) and the cats of CATS.

   Let me say, however, that the first half-hour of the film, I was having THE TIME OF MY LIFE. I was dancing to the opening number and mouthing along to nearly every single word. If I was going to sit through this movie, I was going to have fun. After the number that featured JennyAnyDots (played by Rebel Wilson) eating tap dancing cockroaches that had human faces and bodies, I clapped. I laughed harder at some parts of this movie than I ever have in my entire life. However, after the song, "Mungojerrie & Rumpleteazer,” something clicked, and I was bored out of my mind for the rest of the movie.

     Cats has often been criticized for not having a plot. Although the show surrounds the concept of a bunch of cats who want to move on to a new life, the show really is just about cats introducing themselves, especially since the reason why the cats are introducing themselves is mentioned very few times. For the film version, they attempted to spice up the events of Cats in order to give it more of a traditional plot. It didn't work. Cats now tells the story of Victoria, a cat who is abandoned by her owners in an alleyway. Upon being abandoned, she meets the Jellicle Cats who explain who they are and the concept of the Jellicle Ball. Victoria seems to take a liking to them and sticks around for the proceedings. Meanwhile, Macavity, the Mystery Cat (played by Idris Elba) is kidnapping other cats and holding them hostage, so they cannot attend the ball, leaving him to be the only viable contender to be the Jellicle Choice (the cat who gets to move on to their next life). Despite the screenwriters (Lee Hall & Tom Hooper) attempting to give the show more of a direct purpose, Cats is still just about cats and none of the new plot points are well established. 

      Portraying the now leading role of Victoria is Francesca Hayward, who never really makes much of a splash at all during the film. Hayward is undoubtably a lovely dancer, but as an actress and singer, she isn't much to write home about. Similarly, I was looking forward to hearing Jennifer Hudson sing "Memory," but I didn't care much for her performance either. Her acting was fine, but I didn't think that her rendition of the song was pleasant on the ears. It seemed as if they were attempting to pass her off as the film's Anne Hathaway (a la Les Mis), but it didn't work, since although Hudson is talented, she doesn't have the same chops and her rendition of "Memory" wound up sounding groggy.

Jennifer Hudson as Grizabella in CATS

     To me, the highlight of the film was James Corden as Bustopher Jones, who is delightful and seemed to know what movie he was in. The opposite of James Corden in this film was Judi Dench, who played Old Deuteronomy, the leader of the Jellicle Cats and the cat who makes the fateful, Jellicle Choice. In my opinion, it seemed as if Judi Dench took her role far more seriously than almost everyone else in this film, which in my opinion, made her performance laughable. Watching Judi Dench in this film was quite something. It seemed as if she was the only person in the film who made sense of the material and as a result, she came off as nuts. As the film was nearing an end, her rendition of "The Ad-dressing of Cats” grew very tiresome and then hilarious, because every time we thought we were going to be free from the madness of this film, she began singing another verse, and then another, and then another, and so on. As a result, my friends & I now carry resentment towards Judi Dench that we will carry with us for the rest of our lives.

    I am now going to group Jason Derulo and Ian McKellen’s performance as Rum Tum Tugger and Gus the Theatre Cat into one sentence, because I don't have anything to say about them other than that I couldn't understand a word either of them said during their big numbers. Believe it or not, I am a Taylor Swift fan. I love her music and think she is a talented singer. I don't think she had any business being in this movie. She appeared as Bombalurina and sang the song” Macavity," and I am sorry to report that her voice did not suit the song and she didn't sound good. Swifties, don't watch this movie for her. Also don't come for me, Swifties. I still enjoy her music and let's be completely real, she wouldn't care what I thought if she read this review.

   To say that Tom Hooper's direction was outlandish would be a huge understatement. First, how big does he and the design team think cats are? They are like ants compared to literally everything that surrounds them. There were also some interesting blocking choices, wherein I thought the cats were going to start making out. It normally occurred between Victoria and Mr. Mistofolees (played by Laurie Davidson), but there was a moment where I thought Old Deuteronomy and Mr. Mistofolees were going to kiss, but that thankfully didn't happen. The choice to have the cats be humans with CGI fur was an insane one. I don't even need to touch on how creepy they looked, because...well just look at them.

Francesca Hayward (Victoria), James Corden (Bustopher Jones), and the cats of CATS.

   The staging for some of the scenes didn't make any sense. I don't know who decided to have the tap-dancing cockroaches or CGI mice, but whatever drugs they are on, I want them. Furthermore, the context that was given to songs like "Mungojerrie and Rumpleteazer" and "The Mr. Mistofolees" were not in tune with much of the film and much of it felt very unnecessary. Hamilton choreographer, Andy Blankenbuehler choreographed the film (in addition to the 2016 revival), and although the dancing was noteworthy, I didn't find that it was nearly as prominent in the film as it is in the staged show. The Jellicle Ball is the most noteworthy moment of dance in the film, but the film is so unengaging that it did not shine as it might in the stage show.

   The cinematography by Christopher Ross with Melanie Oliver's editing was a match made in hell. I am not a film expert, but I imagine the cinematography was fine. It was Oliver's editing that I think must have been the worst editing I have ever seen in a motion picture ever. There was no focus, when the scene would change, it was abrupt, and you honestly took a few seconds to register that the scene had changed. You couldn't tell it had happened. It was hard to even realize that a new scene had begun because it would cutaway randomly and you would think that it was still the same scene.

   Cats is a movie that I saw. I honestly don't think I'll have the energy to consume anything in relation to the musical Cats ever again. It's boring, unengaging, and there are maybe one or two enjoyable songs in the entire thing. I don't regret seeing it, in fact I am very glad that I did go to the movie theatre and spent the money to see this movie, because it was a beautiful, gorgeous disaster.  I don't even know what else to say in this review. This film has left me entirely speechless. However, the film did teach me a lesson that made the entire thing worth it. It is a lesson that everyone needs to learn. The purpose of the film is revealed in the final number when Judi Dench looks directly into the camera and said the immortal words... "A cat is not a dog."

CATS

Screenplay by Lee Hall and Tom Hooper

Music by Andrew Lloyd Webber

Based on Old Possum's Book of Pracitcal Cats by T.S. Elliot 

Directed by Tom Hooper

Cinematography by Christopher Ross

Edited by Mellanie Oliver

The principal cast of CATS consisted of:

Mungojerrie- DANNY COLLINS

Bustopher Jones- JAMES CORDEN

Mr. Mistoffolees- LAURIE DAVIDSON

Old Deuteronomy- JUDI DENCH

Rum Tum Tugger- JASON DERULO
Macavity- IDRIS ELBA

Munkustrap- ROBBIE FAIRCHILD

Victoria- FRANCESCA HAYWARD
Grizabella- JENNIFER HUDSON

Gus- IAN McKELLEN

Skimbleshanks- STEVEN McRAE

Rumpleteazer- NAOIMH MORGAN

Bombalurina- TAYLOR SWIFT

Cassandra- METTE TOWLEY 

Jennyanydots- REBEL WILSON

For full production information, please click here.